About Me

Admit it, that is why you really came here. You want to know about the Sex Machine part of this site.

No doubt you hoped for multiple images of my oiled, naked form alongside that of multiple similarly unclad pleasing female forms with long, descriptive passages of my scarcely believable sexual prowess.

But words are cheap, and as you no doubt know from your own excessive consumption of pornography, nowadays even the most graphic of videos could entail all sorts of fakery.

There’s just too much of that around in our day and age for even a noble-hearted gentleman like myself to be taken at his word. There is only one possible way to prove the facts, and we both know what it is.

Therefore, provided of course that you fit the minimum requirements of being female, (I am strictly heterosexual, and yes, I know this sadly crushes about half the visitors who are attracted by the sexy baroque wallpaper) over 18, stunningly attractive, fastidiously clean (in body if not mind at least) and in possession of a medical certificate saying you will not be at risk of death or serious injury if partaking in prolonged physical exercise of a sexual nature, I urge you to submit your application and make a substantial cash offer.

Trying though it may be, never let it be said that I will not defend my honour  and good name.  No matter the cost.

And while you consider your re-morgaging options, you can also have the peace of mind to know that, as you can tell from this site, like a true gentleman, I do not kiss and tell.

At least not unless there are producers willing to pay handsomely for the film rights.

So until then, I’m afraid you will have to make do for now with some other, less pornographic information about me, but hopefully only slightly less entertaining.

In the meantime, here is a hypnotic pattern for you to relax with.

Go on... you don't really need your house!

Go on… you don’t really need your house!

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