A Martian Wedding

Some of you may know of my old blog A Martian in London, which amongst other things, chronicled my search for a suitable female Number One to help me find my spaceship, all-female crew, and eventual rightful claim to the Galaxy.

My research involved more than a few Earth Females and for the benefit of all mankind I summed it up in a couple of politically incorrect but accurate charts (click on the image for a larger, more legible version):

The chart above shows the sad but almost invariable law of Hotness vs. Sanity Level, which as any experienced scientific researcher of the female form will know, is a tragically inverse relationship.

That little sanity problem did indeed seem to be a bit of an impasse. Until Redhead girl that is.

You may also know that it is now a few weeks away from being 2 years that I have been with Redhead Girl.

In dog years, that’s 14 years, so I think you can all applaud me now. The reality though, despite what a few dozen women out there may think, is that we Martians are really basically monogamous in spirit. In body of course it can be quite another thing, but let us not get lost in such quibbles. Now it needs to be said that Redhead Girl has occupied me so exclusively because she has all the qualities of the Ideal Woman, something I also blogged about before in some detail, and then a few more.

It is time to unveil some of her more endearing qualities (beside the obvious ones, I mean, you degenerates):

  • She reads maps better than me (I had never even met a MAN that could do this, never mind a woman, This was my first clue that she might not have been an Earthling)
  • She has a geeky side I find quite irresistible. She will chart out things like electricity consumption and travel expenses
  • Possibly as a result of that same slightly OCD geekyness, she is about 17 levels of magnitude better than me with money. Not necessarily making it, at which I am not really a slouch, but managing it. My attitude to money has always been pretty much that when I need some I’ll just make more. Saving is what some guy called Jesus does apparently. Well, Redhead Girl has measurably improved my quality of life using a lot less money that I used to. This translates to more time for me, so it’s not a small thing she has done. Who the hell produces more time for you? It’s like magic.
  • She is actually smarter than me in a lot of ways. This too is a shock. My usual contempt for the average human intellect is pretty well documented through several star systems I am sure. I have occasionally found some very smart humans, but they tend to be one-dimensional. Something one could never accuse Redhead Girl of being. If anything she inhabits several more dimensions than the rest of us, most of the time.
  • She has an intuitive sense of what is important that is very well attuned to my own, even if quite different.

But above all dear readers, she actually manages to put up with me. Now, we Martians are sort of known for our general tendency to shoot everything and everyone first, and then not bother with any questions at all. Patience to us is a disease exhibited by the slow-witted and the general rule is to run towards any oncoming locomotives. Now, despite my obvious good looks, intelligence, myriad outstanding good qualities, and discreet modesty, it can be hard to keep up with such a mild-mannered fellow such as myself.

Redhead Girl actually not only manages to do so, but she more than once in a while, steers me away from oncoming trains, belligerent mobs of Earthlings armed with torches and other such inconveniences I would otherwise tend to find myself neck-deep in.

But let me illustrate with a few pictures why she’s one of a kind. As you know I have been quite the cripple for the last two months or so, having undergone surgery for a completely ruptured Achilles tendon. Throughout this time, Redhead Girl did pretty much EVERYTHING. She cooked, served me, helped me get washed, helped make sure I ate properly, slept properly, remained sane and generally was a saint.

What’s more, a few weeks ago I had another birthday, to which some 20 or so close friends came along, to join me for some food and drinks at a local Carluccio’s. If you know this chain, you know it’s always pretty full.

Now it needs to be said that because of all her hard work looking after me, I had bought Redhead Girl an item of apparel, which I thought would be mostly for my pleasure really more than hers. But I was wrong. Not only did she like it and wear it right away at home, but she went on to wear it for the birthday as well. To the pleasure of most of my male friends, some of my female friends too, and not a few of the male restaurant patrons, some of which came to congratulate “us”. I am sure it was my shiny bald head that attracted them really.

And if that were not reason enough to get married to her, let me tell you one more thing. She doesn’t just look after me when I am a cripple. She also brings me ice-lollies.

So yes. I asked her to marry me a while back, and she said yes. And true to my word for those of you that know me from the Vox days, since I couldn’t get the Naked Cowboy guy we met in Ireland to marry us (yes he is a minister and does marry people) there will not be any kind of priest/legal guy/human representative to to the ceremony.

This may seem strange to you, but my only requirement for the wedding was that it be memorable, and that it involved no other human telling us that “by the powers vested in him/the state/the church/whatever” he would now pronounce us married.

As far as I am concerned, the totality of the human law and human religion part of marriage, can kiss my ass. The way I see it, the only humans that can say, choose or decide anything about a specific wedding are the two people actually getting married. Of course, on just about this entire planet, you will however be subjected to that sentence: “By the powers vested in me…”. As well as possibly some kind of sermon prior to it. I know I have witnessed at least one such horrific interference from a minister prior to his doing the actual wedding of a friend of mine; actually going so far as to warn the couple in question that they would not be able to back out later if they changed their mind!

Now it is true that if you were to strangle the priest at your own wedding it would certainly make it memorable, but that wasn’t quite the look I was going for. And as providence would have it…we have found just the way to do that. Brazil allows people to get married by post using other people to actually submit the paperwork for you via a power of attorney. It’s a bit bureaucratic and time-consuming, but it suits us just fine.

We have booked out a whole small hotel for a full week-end, just for our close family and a few friends who can actually make it all the way there, and this December we’re getting married in Brazil on the beach.

We plan to have no boring speeches, lots of food, dancing, snorkelling, scuba diving, a live sax player and a boat to put everyone on and island hop or at least get everyone sea-sick. It will be memorable and possibly technicoloured too!

So wish us well and if you should feel the urge, be sure to send cash, gold or platinum. We are simple that way and haven’t really got a complicated gift list.

58 Responses to “A Martian Wedding”

  1. Cloudy says:

    Congrats and all that! A Brazilian wedding, I’m sure it will be memorable!

  2. Lea says:

    Congrats, G and Redhead Girl. Someone finally tamed the savage beast!

    Please have a shot for me.

    • G says:

      Yes, she was quite the animal, but my training in wild Africa helped. πŸ˜›
      Thanks and we will make sure to have that shot.

  3. Morielia says:

    Congratulations! Can’t wait to see pictures of the beautiful locale.

  4. Kzinti says:

    Awesome news indeed. I’m sure the High Command will laud this behavior. I guess I’ll have to make do with a salute to you both and a hope for many years of happiness to come.

    • G says:

      @ Kzinti – Thank you! And yes, I think High Command approves of this first step towards total world domination πŸ™‚

  5. Optamisstik says:

    Wow! Congratulations πŸ™‚

    So happy for you both!!! That’s great news πŸ™‚

  6. Vicola says:

    Congratulations G and Redhead Girl! Brazil sounds amazing, I’m all sorts of jealous. Make sure you get loads of pics and put them up because I’m a really nosy bitch and would like to see. Redhead Girl sounds like a fantastic woman, she brings ice-lollies AND reads maps AND is good with money AND is gorgeous. Are you sure she’s real and you’ve not just managed to pick up some sort of Stepford Girl creation?

    • G says:

      @ Vicola – You know….after reading your comment I can sort of see your point…you mean she may just be a diversion created to distract me from my plans for World Domination… or possibly a supercool manga-like ghost in the shell type with some very specialised skill sets hmmm…a good point…of course, even if it were so….it still begs the question: Who cares!?!??!? πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ We’re gonna have a professional photographer too, so at least half of them should be good, because what he doesn’t know is that half-way through the boat trip we will spring a “quick check of the photos so far” on him. If they are not good enough he will be keel-hauled πŸ™‚

  7. Jando says:

    Congratulations – that’s wonderful news. It sounds like you’re going to be extremely happy together.

    Sending you many platinum good wishes for the Big Day.

    • G says:

      @ Jando – Thank you! Feel free to concretise the wishes into actual bars, even if under a kilo in weight we will still gracefully accept them! πŸ™‚

  8. Barbara says:

    Lots of congratulations! You both look beautiful and shining and you’re surely gonna have a wonderful time on december!!! Well done! πŸ™‚

    • G says:

      @ Barbara – Thanks. We’re shining? Oh good…I will see if there is any way to use that in the jungles of Brazil to be worshipped as Gods and allow the conquest of your planet to begin in earnest!

  9. Chris says:

    Love the research into the hotness vs sanity ratio – it’s about time someone did some concrete research on this theory and proved it to be scientific fact!

    My very best wishes for the wedding, have a great time.

    • G says:

      @Chris — I did extensive studies into this…my old very non-PC blog had more info on that and at least one more graph of careful documentation with respect to hotness vs quality of relationship…let me know if you want the archive for that πŸ™‚

  10. Chris says:

    It would appear that on the rare occasion non humans have infiltrated the species – I too am married to a redhead with a high degree of hotness and only fleeting moments of insanity which I can attribute only to prolonged exposure to the inferior species πŸ™‚

    • G says:

      @ Chris — It seems indeed that Martian red is how to spot non-Earthlings. Good point on the exposure length! No doubt, any weaknesses exhibited are always the fault of Earthlings however you look at it! I like your logic!

  11. WH says:

    Oh G, I am so happy for both of you. Really. You both seem so happy and in love and it just makes me feel good about the whole world. Has it been two years already? wow. time flies.

    I wish I could give you both a big huge hug.

    • G says:

      @WH — Thank you SO much you sexy manga-girl! And don’t you worry….we may end up giving you that hug sooner than you think. A trip to Japan is envisioned possibly for sometime in 2011 and I am thinking of making it coincide with a little book promotion tour… I think you know what I mean πŸ™‚

  12. Natalie Kannemeyer says:

    I am so thrilled to hear this news G! A big congratulations to you both!! So happy for you. I hope you have a fabulous wedding in Brazil and many, many happy years together.

    Love, Natalie xx

    • G says:

      @ Natalie K — Hey you, glad to see the lions are still all doing well in sunny Botswana. Thanks for the good wishes and say to your dad for me.





    • G says:

      Loulla! So cool to hear from you! I’m thinking I should get you to design my Wedding Suit. I am going to have goggles somewhere in that wedding. And possibly a white tuba hat. I just don’t like the boring tuxes. Any ideas?

  14. GOGGLES ??Please elaborate any thing to do with the naked priest thing? I wouldn’t expect anything less…….Stylish with a twist!
    Let me chew on it for a bit!
    Lou x

    • G says:

      @ Loulla — Well…the naked cowboy guy was just inspirational for being the ceremony guy, but given it will be the middle of summer in Brazil and hot, the idea did grab me to just do it in a pair of goggles, bow-tie and reinforced speedo with tuxedo trim πŸ™‚
      But I think Redhead Girl actually wanted me in some clothes for the actual little speech part…but as soon as we’re on the boat I’m down to swimming gear. So maybe tearaway clothing… we should catch up sometime. If you can make it anywhere near Canary Wharf from next week give me a call and we’ll go for coffee.

  15. Congratulations on finding the woman of your Martian dreams, Guiseppe!
    You make a great couple.

    Do Martians believe in eternity? If so, I wish your wedding brings both of you closer to eternal happiness.

    P.S. I hope your confidence in the Brazilian postal system is well-placed. You might want to check that is vastly more reliable than a certain other country of your former habitation… which for reasons of patriotism, I can’t mention!

    • G says:

      @ Travis — Hello brother!! Thanks for the good wishes, it’s much appreciated. As for the postal thing, I think it’s pretty safe, we’ll hand-deliver all the papers to people there who will then do everything for us after they take the required copies of ID etc etc. And if I understand it right, we will really only be posted the official papers for the legal side of things after it’s all been officialised in triplicate, or whatever they do. I’m sure a small bribe will be enough to see they DHL it instead of send it to the Royal Mail, which I tell you…is not much better than my former and your current, soon-to-be-run-as-a-dictatorship-banana-republic postal service!

  16. Yas says:

    FΓ©licitations et tous mes voeux de boheurs …. Bisous

  17. Nafisa says:

    Wahey! Great news and hearty congratulations to you both – think you make a gorgeous and fantastic couple, as you already know! πŸ˜‰ Wedding plans sound oh so romantic and non conventional- perfect! Enjoy! xxx

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