Black Swan — A Review

I would warn you about spoilers, but nothing, and I mean NOTHING can make this tragic piece of shit of an excuse for a waste of pixels more “spoilt” than it already is thanks to the director of this wild, wild, coat-hanger abortion of a “film”.

But let me not speak in generalities. Let me get specific, and the first thing of course is “Oh God. Where do I begin?!”

Is there any worse side of this excess of vomitus which I refuse to refer to as a “movie” or “film” or even “art” or “coherent”?

Seriously, I have no idea what went through Darren Arnofsky’s mind, but based on the thing that is Black Swan, I am happy to speculate it must have been a ballerina on serious crack and with very advanced syphilis.

There is no place to begin this, it’s like trying to do an autopsy on a body that fell from the 69th floor onto hard concrete. So I will just pick things up in any random order.

Plot: A possibly schizophrenic, hallucinating, repressed yet also bisexual (hallucinogically only though, or is it? Can you feel the suspense? Yeah feel it. Right in your colon), neurotic, ballerina, tries hard to get the winning role in a theatre production of Swan Lake. Admittedly this is already a very thin plot even by the most generous of standards, but pair it up with…

Filming Technique: Give the camera to a brain damaged lemur and tell it to follow the lead actress. Whip the lemur when it lurches too much. Or if it jumps, which it likes doing. Or if it EVER gets a still shot of ANYTHING. Whip the little lemur bitch. Whip it!

…and you have a truly unwatchable nauseating turd of an experience. I am not in any way exaggerating when I say that both Redhair Girl and I were actually physically nauseous for a couple of hours after subjecting ourselves to this torture of the senses and all that is human and good.

Special Effects: These mostly consist of Natalie Portman peeling her own syphilitic looking skin from her back, tearing off pieces of fingernail and/or finger/skin/tendons out of her body, and plucking pustulating feathers out of her ass. No, I kid, it’s not her ass, that might have improved the turd, it’s out of her syphilitic shoulder/back/arms.

Add in some hallucinated scenes and effects and nothing, I mean NOTHING saves this act of raw sewage from being anything other than an act of raw sewage.

Not even, the lesbian scene with Natalie Portman in it. Now. Before you accuse me of being biased or mentally deranged or whatever, you must know, that Natalie Portman has probably featured nightly in my sexual dreams since she became old enough to be of legal age. Queen Amidala, or Padme, sweet, sweet, Padme, as she likes to be lustfully called in the privacy of our fantasy bedroom, is every heterosexual male’s wet dream. And every heterosexual woman’s too. Going down on Queen Amidala, or having her go down on you, transcends such simple things as sexual orientation. It is merely something one would give a small limb to have occur.

And yet, in Black Swan, the scene in which Natalie Portman gets herself orally pleasured by her slutty ballerina friend, in no way redeems this digital excretion of Mr. Aronfsky’s. In fact, actually going down on Natalie Portman, would not save this piece of video-camera excrement.

If Natalie Portman offered to jump in bed with me and Redhead Girl and do dirty, dirty, filthy, really good sexual things to us both with full license to film it all for our viewing pleasure later, and her only stipulation was that I would have to say the four simple words “I liked Black Swan” in the privacy of my own home and to no one in particular, in all honesty, I could not bring myself to do it.

For the life of me I have no idea who this “creation” is meant to be for. Certainly no one with even just a passing interest in anything to do with film, be it technique, acting, special effects, camera work, storyline, plot, or even just not making your audience want to physically vomit (as a result of the camera work alone, never mind the actual grossness of the scenes).

Who is left? Neurotic ballerinas with demonic looking mothers, a serious case of mental illness brought on by severe drug use and advanced neurological diseases related to virulent forms of venereal infections? Surely that is not exactly an emerging market?

We can exclude anyone with any knowledge of anything to do with ballet, in fact I weep for anyone with any knowledge of ballet that somehow wanders into a theatre that is playing Black Swan. Do not do it! Save your eyes! I promise you, you will want to poke them with a sharp stick just to stop seeing the twisted imaginings of Mr. Aronofsky’s mind.

Honestly, I think the only person left on this list of potential viewers is one person, and one person alone. Darren Arnofsky. I also have a theory. Familiar with the evil advances of the psychological warfare techniques of the old KGB, Mr. Aronofsky, was obviously trying to brainwash, psychologically break and neurologically enslave Portman so he could seduce her. And he used ballet to do it because her fiancée is apparently a ballet dancer. The natural revulsion for ballet that this creation of Arnofsky’s naturally enduces in anyone sane was sure to drive her from her beau’s arms straight into his.

That at least is my theory, and I’m sticking to it. Either that or Portman, her husband-to-be and Aronofsky are all equally insane and consuming huge quantities of powerful drugs.

Either way, they have physically stolen from me, close to £20 and more importantly, 2 hours of my life!

AND they are going to be nominated for Oscars for this? This leads me to another speculation that the only way that is possible is if everyone involved with Black Swan spent the last 2 years giving A2M sex to everyone in Hollywood, in a twisted orgy of continuous work that would make any bukkake star blush with shame.

I have an alternative picture to represent this thing that Arnofsky did with Natalie Portman and called Black Swan. But I warn you. Do not click on it. It’s inappropriate, unsafe for work, or anyone really and it will disturb you. Please don’t do it. But if you, do and you decide to click on it anyway and see, see the horrible truth, please know, that disturbing, degrading and upsetting as this image is, it still soars miles above Black Swan in every respect of artistic endeavour you could possibly imagine. Truly it does. But please don’t click on it, seriously.

The alternative Image for Black Swan (don’t…really. Trust me)

4 Responses to “Black Swan — A Review”

  1. Tony Hoffart says:

    That’s quite a turd. Really though it’s not nearly as bothersome as some things I’ve seen on the internet after people told me not to look.

    I wasn’t a fan of Black Swan either, but my dislike of it is just pure indifference. It wasn’t worth my hatred. I save my hatred for things that could be great.

    • G says:

      I do not hate Black Swan. What you see here my friend, is just mild contempt and that for Aronfsky. That crappy “film” is not worthy of anything really. No emotion whatever. But it IS really bad. It’s like the new Blair Witch project, a new order of shittiness for film. And oscars? OSCARS? I am offended at the whole fraud. I mean at the larger fraud within the fraud that the oscars are…

  2. Vicola says:

    Ah y’see I was going to go and see that but on the strength of your glowing review I might just wait till it comes out on DVD and Lovefilm it to check out for myself whether it’s as dire as everyone says. I resent paying a tenner a ticket for shite films.

    By the way, thank you SO much for the alternative picture that I clicked on while having breakfast this morning. You do know that if you write ‘really don’t click on this, trust me, don’t’ it’s practically a legal obligation for me to hit it, don’t you? It’s why I should never be allowed into a room with a big, red button that says ‘don’t press’ on it.

    • G says:

      My work here is done. If I saved just one person from seeing Black Swan, then, I have saved a mind! As for the picture and your breakfast… Listed to me Vicola: seeing Black Swan is like having that picture IN your breakfast bowl. And HAVING to eat it.
      If you MUST verify for yourself, I suggest getting a Chinese DVD piracy operation letting you see a free screening first to verify their copy quality. At least on that basis you will be able to get the rest of the pirated works at a discount when referring to the “terribly blurry copies”, as if it were the pirates’ fault.

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