One of the most important activities we spend much of our lives doing, worrying about, trying to get into or out of is our intimate relationships.
Understanding an overall framework of what relationships are is sadly something that most of us never even consider. We almost never actually ask ourselves the simple question of what a relationship is for to any degree of depth. We are never taught how to do it and most of us never figure it out. As a result we generally suffer far more heart-ache than necessary in our lives and for many, perhaps sadly even most people, the idyllic situation of a “perfect” relationship or at least deep inner peace with respect to the management of our (multiple?) intimate relationships never truly occurs. This post is an extremely brief introduction to the overall concept of what relationships are, and figuring out how to get into exactly the types you want to be in. Before I can unveil the mysterious secrets of how to get an endless stream of supermodels naked and willing into your bed (for the guys) or how to find and keep the mythical Mr. Right (as well as have him agree to all your illicit sex with Pedro the Pool Boy) for the girls, it is necessary to understand things from the beginning. So let’s not jump in half-cocked. We know that ends up being unsatisfying and confusing for everyone!
First of all I have to give you my basic premises, this is so you can evaluate them for yourself. If you agree with them you can then proceed, and will hopefully not lose your way during my explanations, since you will understand the overall starting points. If on the other hand you do not agree with my basic premises, then at least you will understand why what I am writing here makes no sense to you, seems possibly immoral and why you might hate my life and all I stand for. Much later of course, when you eventually accept my premises as being true and correct after much misery and pain, you will also realise I was not only correct, but am also much smarter than you.
Without further ado then, the basic premises of:
What is really important in life according to Mr. G
1. Know Yourself
2. Have someone to share it with
3. Have a group of people that motivates, challenges and supports you and vice versa. Do not forget the vice versa part. It’s 50% of this point. (This could also be summarised as being: Good Friends)
4. Be able to do what you want, with who you want, where you want as much as possible (and without breaking the golden rule of not affecting the lives of others in ways they do not wish to be affected, as much as possible). Summarised for the most part as Money by most people, but more correctly as Time and Money (see my previous post on Leaving the Rat Race for more on this)
5. Give something to others. Which could be summarised as various New Age sounding, vaguely hippie things like: Fulfilling your purpose here on Earth, Contributing, Helping others and other platitudes of this sort. This last point is necessarily the most difficult to define concisely as it brings in all sorts of sub-categories, such as religion, philosophy of life and so on. Nevertheless it is a true requirement for the full achievement of that elusive “happiness” everyone seeks, or if you are more technically minded, the self-actualisation mentioned at the peak of Maslow’s pyramid.
Now, each one of those points really needs to be understood and expanded on quite a bit before you can really understand what I really mean by each of them, but that will have to wait for other posts, this post is basically concerned only with point number 2 (and point number one if somewhat indirectly). Let us begin then.
What is a relationship for?
Ask yourself and others this question and the answers will be sporadic and wide-ranging. Companionship, procreation, the survival of the species, recreational sex, protection, all of the above and/or none of the above.
Do you want to know the truth? The real truth is that relationships include all of the above things and many more too, but not as reasons. They are effects. Just side effects. Yes, that’s right, the whole survival of the species is indeed just a side-effect. Of many human animals having many intimate relationships all over the place, to be sure, but still just a side-effect. The Reason for relationships is only one.
Controversial as the statement above may be for evolutionists, atheists or religious nuts of other denominations (besides evolutionists and atheists I mean) it remains a fact. Proving that fact is a rather lengthy exercise and one we shall not indulge in here due to space limitations, so for the purpose of this post you will just have to consider it an axiom.
Accepting that the basic purpose of intimate relationships is that of furthering you along your personal evolutionary path is the first step to becoming able to reason about relationships in a more meaningful and far more useful way. So let’s now look in more details at why you do not yet have that harem of bisexual nymphomaniacs, Mr Right and the Pool Boys Crew or perhaps just The One, as the case may be.
Starting from the premise that relationships are for our evolution means we have to have somewhere to evolve to. So what is the ultimate point of evolution we should strive for? This very much depends on where you are along the evolutionary path. At the sad and inevitable risk of not being able to fully detailed this, it is now once more necessary to lay down another axiom: The basic evolutionary path that covers most of humanity. Please note this is not (nor can it ever really be) fully complete or detailed. Just as a point in fact, it essentially excludes most homosexual relationships unless you are smart enough to be able to read the diagram at different scales of resolution in your own mind. It will also be more than a little offensive to individuals or groups that are temporarily fixated on a relatively small section of the path. Nevertheless I hope you will consider this diagram below and see it as a useful tool.
Pair Bonding & Family Nucleus
(Complex Imposed Function.
Results in emergence/expansion of
higher levels of consciousness/awareness)
Choice of Relationship Type
(Subtle Biological Imperative)
The new ability of being able to consciously choose the relationship type
necessarily results in the expansion of Human consciousness into
previously unexplored areas. This of course perpetuating a further
increase of consciousness/awareness
The above layout is generally thought to apply to the human race as a whole, but here is what I meant about being able to look at the diagram above at different scales. It also applies to your own life and as such can begin to more clearly identify where you are along this evolutionary process.
At first, the biological imperative is basically to have sex. Sure, if you can get lucky enough to have sex with the really hot girl/popular guy that would be great, but lock you away into solitary confinement for a year and then give you a limited choice of only 3 relatively ugly and stupid members of the opposite sex and you will still gladly partake. We are just wired this way. And modern technology also allows too many of us to survive in what might effectively be considered a kind of solitary confinement too.
Beyond that, you begin to want to have some kind of sexual relationship that is acceptable within the social confines of your “tribe”. If you are limited to the choice of one of three ugly and stupid crack whores in a society of gang-bangers with a life-expectancy of a few years, then any one of the three crack whores will do really, they are all pretty much equally acceptable. Move you into so called “normal” society though with say some overall loving parents, a relatively decent job and some reasonably average semblance of friends and acquaintances and all of a sudden an ugly and stupid crack whore is no longer socially acceptable. Your need for sex may still drive you to pay, bargain, bribe, barter or otherwise trade for sex with the crack whore, but it would be done mostly illicitly and hidden from the judging eyes of your Catholic mother, Jewish father and university educated friends. Welcome to the level of society that supports the whole concept of prostitution in general, mostly composed of one of these subsets:
- Human beings desperate for sex that will clandestinely indulge in it by using money to pay for it
- Ugly human beings desperate for sex (and more importantly validation) with (by) “pretty” women
- Physically handsome but socially inept men desperate for sex
- Ugly or Handsome socially “normal” men that have not developed the social skills required to satisfy their more hidden sexual taboos (this is really the only category that may incorporate some people from the final stage of the evolutionary process shown above, but don’t count on it)
Shortly after stage 2, is where the human race has basically been busy for all of our more recent history. That is, from the socially acceptable pairs that indulge in sex, offspring are generated and here another biological imperative of survival and protection took over for many thousands of years, developing certain basic neurological responses in the majority of cases. This ensured the survival of the human race but was not as strong a survival factor as sex itself. If people do not have sex, the race dies out, while if people merely do not look after each other or their kids properly, we just end up with a lot of Chavs. Admittedly this can sometimes seem a lot worse than just the mere extinction of the human race, but the reality is that evolution is a messy process. Nor does it always succeed. Ask your local Tyrannosaurs Rex.
The now practically defunct nuclear family (at least mostly defunct in the Western Hemisphere and the so-called “civilised” First World) was useful for survival –both individual as well as social– and prompted huge increases in human consciousness and awareness. From this primitive first principle of organisation developed other useful principles of social co-operation, resulting in more time and resources being generated, and now we have a whole class of people that effectively never do any work at all and just continue practising totally random social experiments based on their own strange ideas formed in their under-exercised, over-fed bodies and inbred brains. We refer to this class collectively as politicians.
On a smaller scale, this has been the level at which most people play the game of relationships. Joe meets Mary in a socially acceptable context (step 2), they like each other, and go on to satisfy each other’s need for sex (step 1). They like it and go on satisfying needs one and two for a while until a condom breaks or they make the “conscious” choice of having a child and Mary gets pregnant. Fast forward a few years and a couple more kids and Mary is sick of that bastard Joe who never did make it big and allow her to have the live-in nannies, and she feels she has sacrificed her whole life just to have him run off with the secretary in which he worked deep and late for the last three years before she found out about it. She will take the house and the kids and she will hire several pool boys, and pay for them with Joe’s alimony payments. Joe for his part was so sick of being considered the provider and the shoulder to cry on and the person to whine at, nag, complain to and impose half-year long visits from mother-in law each time one of the kids is born, that he felt like a slave. When Nancy from the secretary pool came over to take dictation from him in a mini-skirt a dazzling smile and a willing attitude it was only a matter of time before he strayed. And an infinite number of variations on the theme. The Human race as a whole then, on this planet and in recent history has been pretty much stuck in phase 3 of the process. Also known as marriage, sex, divorce, and pain.
Fear not. All is not lost! We are now beginning to enter phase 4 and this is where it becomes interesting. If you have been through a few serious relationships, perhaps a failed marriage or six or if you are in the throes of desperation from a broken relationship even as you read this, then fear not. If your DNA is resilient enough to survive any foolishly suicidal move your broken heart might lead you into as a result of the pain, you will in time recover the confidence to begin another relationship. Improbable as that may sound at present. Or at least, motivate you enough to hire a really top class call girl and have contemptuous “angry at women” sex with her. Women are luckier in that they can usually have angry, contemptuous sex with men free of charge. And the prettier women of the species are sometimes even prone to it, or its analogue of refusing sex contemptuously, having met with a larger percentage of the males still on step one of the evolutionary ladder (must have sex with pretty woman! Ugh!) and being a little disillusioned with them as a whole.
Phase 4 however is not easily attained for the individual (nor indeed the Human Race as a whole). It requires the following things to be true:
- The person must not be under the influence of Biological Imperative number 1. In other words, they must have become socially skilled enough to realise that sex will never be off the menu for them. Paying for it on demand and/or undergoing extensive plastic surgery to ensure you are pretty enough do not really qualify as having passed this point. Most human beings never really feel secure enough of this point, particularly men. Women suffer more from the idea that they will not be able to have sex (relationships) with the right type of man. They know they can have sex on demand, while men worry more about just having sex, any sex, in general, and about with the right type of girl (a nasty freak) second.
- The person must have got past the point of being simply just too distracted by the powerful sensations of sex (and emotional ups and downs that go with sex and relationships) to be able to think a little more deeply about why he or she is attracted to specific people and what this says about themselves and any potentially repetitive negative patterns of behaviour, and if there are some, do the work required to change them.
- The person must have evolved to a point that the Social Imperative of group approval is basically not such a strong force on them. In most cases this means that the individual must also have met with a certain basic measure of financial success that permits them to essentially live as they wish within the limits of what is tolerable to them as minimum requirements of freedom and satisfaction of basic needs.
- The person must actually consider these things consciously.
Each one of the points above is not easily attained and has a number of very serious dangers, in the form of other humans basically trying to prevent them from moving onwards and upwards on their path to self-actualisation. I will only list some of the most obvious dangers without further details just to give you an idea. Each number below corresponds to the same number above.
1. This hurdle alone prevents most humans on the planet from going any further. Dangers to look out for are snake oil salesmen that will tell you half-truths in exchange for large sums of cash or time and usually both. Examples are:
- Prostitutes (they do not really develop your social skills with women that are not prostitutes)
- Fear Mongers (plastic surgeons, relationship “experts” for couples in crisis)
- Snake Oil Salesmen (Pick-Up-Artists, The Game, Relationship “Experts” and so called Life-coaches and NLP practitioners)
A few of these people may be good human beings, there probably is, somewhere, a prostitute with a heart of gold, a relationship/life coach/NLP practitioner that is not full of shit and a ladies man that genuinely wants to help you become more socially apt at a reasonable cost and in a realistic way. There may even be a life elixir that cures cancer. There might be. It’s possible. But I would urge you to first familiarise yourself with basic logic and science and the power of the placebo effect. Then study some neuro-psychology. Libraries are mostly free after all.
2. This basically means you need to have had enough experience with the opposite sex and then moved beyond the temporary pleasures of just the sex, the thrill of the chase or the thrill of a new warm and willing body. The dangers here tend to be more psychological, be they the Catholic church, Islam, or your constant obsession with scatological pornography and bestiality. Shame on you, go confess your sins. And when you are done with that check out Jane and Jane, the dominatrix lesbian double-act that really wants to live with you. I think you can see how such a nested distraction loop could easily keep you fascinated with nuns walking dogs far too much for you to be able to get any serious evolution done.
3. The basic problem here is similar for everyone at a practical level. Have enough money to be able to say “Fuck you!” to pretty much any figure of authority that would normally otherwise control your behaviour in ways that are negative for you. Having to spend 80 hours a week at work is a drain on the time available you have to develop yourself and your relationships outside of work. Having enough money to be able to live more or less as you wish also begins to free up your mind with regard to what is socially acceptable or relevant to you. Paradoxically, the richest men on Earth are often nowhere near as free as their financial wealth would seem to imply. I personally have never had less “fuck you” potential than the wealthiest billionaire that I have personally met. Your requirements for personal freedom and the ability to live as you wish require that you develop a successful financial strategy. I always feel it is important to add that living as you wish always implies doing so within the confines of ethical behaviour, which I feel needs a little aside: Having a sexual relationship with a 25 year old when you are 70 is perfectly ethical if not generally considered socially acceptable [go ahead, ask Hugh Hefner if he gives a fuck]. Having a sexual “relationship” with a 6 year old however is not “socially unconventional”. It’s a good grounds for using you in terminally destructive tests of say crumple zones in vehicles.
4. Assuming you have overcome all of the above hurdles, you will then still have to actually consciously ponder the question, regarding how you really want to live your life and what you want your intimate relationships to be like. Do you want to be with The One? Do you want an endless stream of various females for sex only? Do you want to have a loyal harem? Do you want to have steady group-relationships? Or… what else?
If you have reached this point, your options are then really almost unlimited, however, assuming you still remember that the basic purpose of a relationship is to make you evolve, you have to ask the question:
Where do you want to evolve to?
Do you want children? Do you think having children and a polygamous attitude to relationships is possible? Has this been done successfully before? If so where and when and what where the conditions? If not what are the pitfalls experienced by those who tried? Is having a loyal and willing harem possible? What exactly do you mean by loyal? What exactly do you mean by willing?
Is it possible to have a permanent relationship with three people in it instead of 2? What are the implications of X type relationship on the upbringing, psychological and neurological influences on the rearing of a child or children in such a relationship?
These and other questions may seem absurd or beyond what most people would want to have, but they are all valid questions and potentially at least there is nothing to say that it’s perfectly plausible to be in a long-term relationship that involves 3 people instead of 2. It might not have been done successfully before or it might be rare or it might be completely impractical, but we are now entering a stage of human evolution where we will find out more of these things.
From a purely objective viewpoint, it would seem to make more sense that the rearing of children that are psychologically healthy and subjected to as few influences that may create erroneous negative behavioural patterns as possible is the one in which a stable family composed of a dad and a mom that love each other is the most likely to produce good results.
This type of relationship is the one we have the most data on and indeed in some cases it really works. It’s true that perhaps in most cases it’s still far from ideal, but that is because until now this choice was not being made very consciously. It was being driven by biological imperatives of survival. The evidence we have of the rearing of children by methodologies that are very different from the more well-know mom-dad plus kids is scant in most cases and certainly no more promising. Communities of hippies rearing children as a group activity usually end up on the news along with evidence of children being abused sexually and women being reduced to slavery. Long term threesomes do not seem to fare too well either and harems have a history of much patricide and fratricide in order to gain control of the inheritance. There may be some moderately more positive news concerning discreet middle-aged swingers who have the picture-perfect family life by day and occasionally have mum and dad go on a week-end trip with a dozen close friends in the Alps from which they return far more exhausted than mere skiing would seem to necessitate, but it is still early and difficult to get extensive data-sets on these types of relationships.
Your first priority then, along with figuring out how to have enough money, discover what sexual partners you prefer, and what attributes you wish to have in your ideal partner, is to consider exactly how you really want to evolve.
Once again, if we look at the evolutionary progression above, we can see different evolutionary stages one may be at and each of them may last a lifetime or perhaps just a few years or even less.
They could be any of the following:
Stage 1: Lots of sex. No steady relationship, just go from one body to the next, gain sexual experience and find out about yourself and all your orifices as well as those of others. If you decide to indulge in this type of life, be secure in the knowledge that it is not necessary to lie. There are enough women in the world that are already evolved enough to not require to be lied to regarding your intentions with them that you will never run out of sexual partners even if you tell them right from the start that you are only after sex. So be ethical. Do not hurt people’s feelings. Tell them a relationship with you basically means you have non-exclusive sex for as long as it’s fun to continue doing so. Get tested often and ask them to do the same. Use condoms.
Stage 2: There actually is no stage two once you have reached the evolutionary stage where you choose your relationship type based on what you want instead of what society dictates. However, a stage 2 might be a person who has realised what they want, relationship wise, but feels unable to achieve it due to some other limitation, be it physical, financial or what have you. If this is where you are, your focus should not be on trying to create the relationship/s you want, but rather on fixing your “problem” (be careful of snake-oil salesmen though!!). Once you have this fixed, then pick what you want.
Stage 3: This essentially is the person who has chosen to have a family and children and decided that this is what they want. Now they need to refine the type of family and relationship they want. Will they be monogamous or not? And if so how do they decide on the extra-marital sexual activity? These are details that they need to work out amongst them. Again, honesty is the key if it is to be a long-term practical solution. No point in you pretending you are all evolved and monogamous if the reality is that once Nancy from the secretarial pool comes in to your office and wants to take dictation on her knees you will be unable to resist the impulse of dropping your pants. Much better to tell your significant other that hey, you have every intention of being monogamous, until that day that opportunity presents itself. Then you will be off like a male dog after a bitch in heat. But you will come back home within 3 days at the most. Maybe four.
Stage 4: This is the leading edge of the avant-garde and they may form modern harems, group marriages, or God alone knows what variation on the theme. Personally I predict that the very vast majority of such experiments will end up as horrible abortions, and I speak here not from a moral point of view but from that of a naturalist. Nature is a wasteful and loose bitch (thank the Goddess for her wanton ways!). As soon as life finds a new way to do things it explodes all over the place, but most of those new ways die out and after some time only a dominant few select branches remain, and they go on to explore life further.
So there you have it. As concisely as I can put it, the various insights into deciding the type of relationship/s you want to have and how to get there without feeling like a blind man in a mine-field. Depending on whether I get enough interest or not on a specific segment or topic relating to this, I may do a follow-up post on whatever seems to be the most requested.
So if your main problem is in finding a way to get enough sexy people in bed, ask me about that, if instead it is in how to best ensure your wife, your girlfriend and your mistress get along, ask that instead!
PS: I may not have answers for all cases, but try me. Personally I have answered these questions for myself and have been through all the required steps of the journey, so I may be able to shine a light in some dark corner. Even if it might not be the one where Miss Selina is whipping you with a cat o’ nine tails while you hang upside down with a ball-gag.