High IQ and Relationship Problems

While I assume this post will have generally good interest, the reality is that in practical terms it applies to less than 1% of the population, and that’s best case scenario, because I will be talking about high IQ problems, meaning for IQs of 130 plus.

There are several reasons I wanted to this for some time, and this is really only a general introduction scratching the surface and presenting it in a broad spectrum way to set the general parameters. There are many details of this topic which are quite fascinating. I will only be covering the larger issues one with a high IQ generally encounters.

Some baseline points

For full disclosure, I need to point out that my own IQ score was measure twice when I was 26. I scored 157 on the first test, which was an official one but I had taken rather lightly, more out of curiosity than any wish to score particularly high. I do not recall the name of the institution, but neither test was with MENSA. I genuinely thought there must have been some mistake or the organisation might not have been serious. I therefore signed up with a different one that was recognised, again, it was not MENSA, but again, I do not recall the names, this was almost 30 years ago and although my results were relevant to me at the time, as a spur of the moment thing that took a couple of days, I never appreciated the importance of IQ in many contexts of life, so it was never something I ever gave much notice to until much later in life other than noting the results. On the second official test I really wanted to do well and unlike the first one, I applied myself. I scored 152. I put this down to the fact that generally in life I have noticed that when I just try my hand at something I initially do better than when I try to do well. Later, with practice, I will eventually outdo my initial performance, but this pattern has repeated itself many times in my life with all sorts of skills, from physical to intellectual and there is good science to back up the idea that with a more relaxed frame of mind, one achieves better performance. As a result, averaging the results I get a rounded figure of 155 IQ. I have not tested again since and I don’t really care to. I expect my IQ may have dropped a bit since due to the various stresses I have bene under for years and advancing age, etc. but in any case I will use that number as a guideline because it does represent my experience in life and since I am in any case in a tiny subset of humanity, my experiences, while anecdotal and obviously covering many other factors and variables, remains, I believe, relevant to the issues of relationships with people with high IQ.

IQ does matter

IQ has been linked to all sorts of things, like better income, longer life span and so on, across cultures and counting for income, race, culture etc. IQ studies have been going on for a long time and the factor known as g is indeed relevant in many spheres of life. Socially, the best IQ is from about 110 to 130. Beyond that, people become less able to interact with others and their existence can be lonely and difficult in many respects. Try to imagine how you would feel surrounded by what to you are essentially functional retards. The normal routines almost everyone is happy with a mind-numbingly dull to you and the entire system is built to gear for the average people by far. Barring some specific unique interest or skill one develops in what is effectively an intellectual solitary confinement, your opportunities for social happiness can be greatly limited. Which doesn’t mean every miserable, lonely, socially maladapted person is a genius. Most are absolutely not. And in any case, if you are smart enough, you should usually be able to find a way to survive without slashing your veins.

The IQ gap

It has been demonstrated quite conclusively that when there is an IQ gap of 30 points of more, the lower IQ individuals cannot follow the reasoning of the higher IQ individual. In the case of a sub 70 IQ person and a normal 100 IQ human average, the lower IQ person does not really question the 100 IQ person’s ability. they simply accept it as a kind of “magic” that the other person is capable of and there is usually not huge difficulties in having general relationships that can include work and other general social gatherings. Though I do not mean to be offensive, there is a sort of analogy between a 70 IQ and 100 IQ person, where, both being honest people, they can have a perfectly reasonable relationship. At least as far as concerns work, as long as nothing beyond the 70 IQ person’s ability is required. I certainly had that experience in my life several times when I lived in Africa. While an intimate relationship of this nature would prove intellectually non-stimulating and probably tiresome to the 100 IQ person, there are, I think, more instances of this being possible, especially if the lower IQ person is the female and the 100 IQ person is the male.

When you begin to have a 130 IQ and try to have a relationship with a 100 IQ person, it will be a lot more difficult. Especially if the 130 IQ person, as I was, bought into the idea that, ok, sure I am smarter (because it’s obvious) but if I explain something to you, you too can get it. This tragic error assumes IQ is basically a function of education or knowledge. It’s a common mistake because the global narrative leans that way hard and has done for decades. Well, it turns out IQ is not a knowledge issue (data). It’s an ability issue (processing power). There are some calculations and so on that a lower IQ person simply cannot do when compared to a higher IQ person. The frustration for the high IQ person is only matched by the desperation of the lower IQ person in their not being able to bridge that gap.

In short, for intimate relationships to have the best chance to work, it is clear that two things must be true. It is best if the man is the higher IQ of the two (since this in any case how nature distributes intelligence), and the gap between them must be less than 30 points, as having an IQ gap at the higher ends of IQ can be quite traumatic for both sides. Especially when neither is aware of the existence of this issue.

Male/Female Distribution of IQ is not equal

In general, women tend to have a lower minimum/maximum distribution of IQ than males, as the diagram below shows.

To put it bluntly, women are more numerous in the lower IQ range than males. As the image above shows, by the dime you hit only one standard deviation (15 IQ points) above the human average of 100 you’re at about 2 men per one woman. By the time you are looking at 3 standard deviations (so up to about IQ 145) the ratio approaches 9 men to 1 woman.

At this address, you will find a frequency of IQ table, but it is not divided into males and females.

I reproduce here only the section from IQ 155 to 140.

I have taken this specific link because it is the least “flattering” for my IQ level of 155. Normally, the 155 IQ is deemed to exist in about 1 in 10,000 people. At this level the ratio of men to women is actually above 10 to 1, but in order to try and average out things to make it as realistically fair as possible, and countering the 1 in 10,000 by using one in 8,000 or so I would say that to say there are 10 men for every woman at the 155 IQ level is probably correct. Keep in mind that 157 IQ is about one in 13,000, so at this level, a single point can make a big difference, which is normal for edge of the bell curve distributions, as the sample size is tiny.

This means that a 155 IQ man that wants to find a 155 IQ woman to be in a relationship with, on average, can only find one such person in 100,000 women of the relevant age.

Some Data Points we can Conclude

• It’s hard to find a smart woman. I once figured out on the back of a napkin, literally, while at work, in London, what the chances of finding the ideal woman were. I only used two criteria: Looks, which was important to me at a physical level. I never had what I called the “mystic click” with a woman if I was not physically attracted to her to a certain high degree. And the women that achieved that physically were usually quite rare and generally accepted as being beautiful by the very vast majority of the male population. Having taken the time to walk through central London every day during my lunch break for several years, and noting for myself the frequency of woman that I assumed was physically attractive to fit the category, and be very broadly speaking in the right age range, which I placed at about 20-25 years range total, from a few years older to quite a few younger, I concluded that out of 100 women, it would fit about 10 at the most optimistic and probably more like 1 or 2. I also figured that since there was only about 1 in 100,000 women at my IQ level and that the right age range was probably no more than 1 million, in a city of 10 million, that meant there was probably only one woman that fit that criteria. If I dropped the IQ requirement to one in 10,000 then there might be 10. But that, of course, said nothing of their personalities. Only looks and IQ. It’s a good thing I am an optimist. And I figured the prospect of working my way through all the pretty women was an arduous task, but one I would devote myself to. Someone had to do it!

• It’s hard to find a pretty woman. If you’re looking to be with an 8.5 or better, you’re going to struggle unless you have some attributes yourself that put you in the general target range. This is not IQ related, but it reduces your number of prospective life partners considerably, if, like me, you’re unfortunate enough to get that mystic click only with women that on average we can consider a 9 for most men (some will see her as a 10 and others only as an 8 or so, and in any case, after a 9 the “ten” is very subjective and not really relevant, at least for me).

• Minimise the IQ gap to 25 points or less. If your IQ is 155 or so, the minimum IQ you should try to get with is about 130. That way the IQ gap is not there yet, as it’s “only” 25 points. Now, as it happens 25 points is quite a lot, BUT it at least allows the woman to be able to follow your reasoning process IF you are able to explain it patiently and moderating it for her emotional responses and patience/time in that moment. Which, I assure you, is an acquired skill. One you need to acquire by sweating blood if your patience score is in the negatives, like mine generally is. Returning to my example above, at the 130 IQ range, there is generally about 3 men to every woman and about one in 40-50 people have it, so we could say one in about 150 woman will have it. Using the one million women in London example, there are about 6,666 women of 130 IQ (a devilish number to be sure). And I can crank my looks thing, right up to 1 in a 100 and hey, there are a whole 66 or 67 of them I can find. Great. Of course, they will invariably be married, have a boyfriend or three and possibly already be mothers, though that last is probably less likely since smart women have difficulty finding smart men too. While pretty ones have their pick of men, smart and pretty ones, tend to become extremely skittish. First because they are used to all the lies, deceptions and so on that men will use to bed them, and secondly because very often they can see through those deceptions. Therefore the level of “shit testing”, to use a PUA term, they try on you will be stratospheric in nature.

Ok then. Let’s now look at the imponderable relationships!

All of the above was to give you a general background in some terms and familiarise yourself with gross numbers. Which if you have been paying attention, explains why despite its popularity, this post really applies to a very tiny subset of the population. If you want to do some stats:

At 155 IQ male and 130 IQ female, the percentages are 0.012% and 2.28% respectively. Multiply them by each other to give a general incidence of them ending up with each other and you get a probability of 0.027%

This is a bit wrong because generally smart people will tend to congregate with other smart people, as pretty people tend to congregate with either other pretty people, or at least wealthy ones, but then there are many other variables to account for, so as an overall method it’s probably fine.

So this post, in a general best case scenario applies to less than one third of one percent of the planet.

Throw in some other things like maybe only being with a pureblood and limit the couples to those of child-bearing age and this can easily become something that applies to less than 1 in 10,000 couples.

Now let’s look at the problems that can and do arise in such a situation.

1. Both will have found their own ways to navigate the planet of the apes and very often, those ways will be unique to them.

Great right? Not so much, since both are absolutely convinced, through bitter life experience, that their way is best. And they are right. Their way really is usually best as far as their individual lives are concerned. Their experience is not wrong. But it is also not really that relevant when faced with another person of their intelligence. Here, the trend will be the higher IQ male making the lower IQ female feel set upon, disrespected, and “oppressed”. She has navigated countless idiots doing things her way and now here is another moron trying to tell her you can indeed get showered, dressed, put on make up and still look hotting 25 minutes, yes even if you have long hair and he is bald. Idiot. What does he know. And time is relative and not really important anyway (because everyone forgives a hot woman that is 30 minutes late, but no one forgives a man for doing it). The issue here is made far worse if neither knows about the IQ gap and such issues. Even when they do know, the woman is (rightly) not emotionally ok with being treated as some kind of second-class citizen on the basis of IQ. And she is absolutely correct in this respect. Those people who think IQ is the “all that” of humanity are in fact, functional idiots. I don’t even rate IQ as in the top three things a human being has to have to be classed as excellent. I’d place, honesty, a sense of honour (related but not identical to honesty), kindness and an ability to love deeply as all far more important than IQ. The trick here is for both to do something very difficult.

The woman has to accept that IQ is a thing, that her husband is indeed smarter and usually knows best. AND at the same time, she should not feel she has to prove herself in this regard, not feel “stupid” she should not hesitate to ask for clarifications, but, important point, to do so, not in a confrontational way, but rather in a “please explain that to me” way. It’s hard. The female ego screams against this.

The male has to accept that his wife may not immediately see his way of doing things as “better” and he should take the time to explain it without being:

Dismissive

Sarcastic

Impatient

Missing steps in the explanation but not putting the ones not required to be put in because they are obvious to her too

It’s a pretty tall order and the only way most men manage it is if they remember that from time to time, and not as rare as he might think, his wife’s way of doing things will not only have specific advantages, but might even be better overall. So take care with this aspect.

2. The unstated assumptions are killers.

Although this is true in most relationships, in high IQ relationships these will be hidden landmines. The natural assumptions high IQ people make are opaque to most other humans, because their brains work on a different level. But that is not to say that two intelligent people will have come to identical conclusions. In my meeting and talking with people that are of my same IQ or thereabouts, including smarter than me, I have found that a considerable amount of time is required, especially if they have different cultural backgrounds, to establish their ow jargon/language even if both speak the same language perfectly well. The assumptions, unconscious rules, and axioms one 150 IQ person will have made in his life are not ever identical to the ones another 150 IQ person has made. Yet both operate on them unconsciously in their day to day lives. When someone that is of that level of intelligence makes a statement you assume is completely wrong or retarded, pause. Because chances are you are not understanding their perspective and the language they use is made up of the same words you use but their meanings are different. An example might suffice. When I visited Vox Day at his home once, we briefly talked about Jordan Peterson, and he said that Peterson was an intelligent man. I paused. I thought Peterson was an idiot, because ultimately his life ideologies and aims are insane. But it was Vox who had taken the time to examine exactly and specifically why this was so. I couldn’t care to do that. It was obvious to me he was nuts and therefore could safely be ignored. I asked what he meant and he explained that in order to construct such an elaborate (though insane) model of reality one had to be intelligent. He was, of course, correct, and probably using the word “intelligent” more correctly than I do. To me intelligence is synonymous of effective, which, of course, is not how most people use it. But to me, saying someone is effective does not describe in any way whether they are also intelligent or not. As I do not value Intelligence without effectiveness, to me, real intelligence is that which is also effective, not only smart. But not having explained this, would lead me and Vox to have very different labels for various people around the world.

Now imagine having this kind of language/assumption with your wife or husband, that is, someone that you are intimate with, and therefore usually do not have the presence of mind to pause and consider how they mean a specific common word or phrase, because after all, you have been sweatily naked with them and more; you’re hardly going to pause and think “how do they mean ‘intelligent'” because you’ve assumed, due to the intimacy, that they are a kind of extension of yourself.

So she says her friend is really smart and you think she’s a moron and you say so and lo and behold, before you know it, you’re arguing about how disrespectful you are of everyone she knows and you are telling her this wouldn’t be an issue if she didn’t have morons for friends. Or vice versa, you tell her about your buddy who just made a million bucks investing in blue widgets because he’s really smart and figured out blue widgets would be a thing, and she says he’s a creep, which you think is irrelevant to the point you’re making and besides, why is he a creep? Because maybe you didn’t notice he was leering at her whenever your back was turned, but she noticed it a mile off because she is used to getting such attentions from men.

3. Not knowing about the IQ gap and IQ in general is going to make everything exponentially harder

As a very high IQ person your experiences in life are akin to living on planet of the apes. Except the apes look like humans. After a time, you see the same patterns of mental retardation (to you) that passes as perfectly normal (to them). After enough time and interactions, you will naturally reduce the patterns to very large ones. And in the event that a disagreement occurs with another high IQ person, you are liable to place them in the ape category out of habit, instead of noticing that the issue, in this case, is of a totally different nature and category even if it might superficially appear to be one you are used to seeing in the ape population.

4. A high IQ woman will be disappointed by men in her life a lot and is liable to have had a number of failed relationships behind her, especially is she is pretty.

This will tend to make her jaded in the worst cases, bitter, resentful and even spiteful. Especially if she is unaware of the IQ issue. She will tend to see men and dishonest simpletons, because, in a word, to her, they are. And in general they are. She has met men that are manly and look good, but can’t keep up with her intellectually. She will likely have had a few failed relationships with such types and assume these “alphas” are all so much ado about nothing, except maybe bedroom acrobatics. She will then have tried to go for the smart ones, but often these beta types are smart but useless with women and faced with a smart and beautiful one will tend to lose their spine and try to accommodate her every wish, thus quickly losing any sexual chemistry and natural male-female dynamic of attraction. Fairly soon, she will think herself doomed to having to choose between, one of two types: the good looking, but dumb and really headstrong, one, which means he has some male attributes she finds naturally attractive, but he will make decisions that she can see a mile off are bad and will not correct himself because he’s a headstrong type, which is attractive, in someone who is more successful than she can predict. Not so much in one who isn’t. Or, alternatively, a smart weaker man that will always be the model of good behaviour towards her, probably provide well for her, but eventually, sexually comes to have less appeal than her vibrator. Whether it be her rabbit or Pedro the pool boy. Which is why, often, apparently wealthy and beautiful women, married to physically unimposing men, can and do cheat on them.

All this means that even when she meets that man with no name, Clint Eastwood type, gunfighter, with a genius, steel-trap mind, and a horse-cock, she is going to be skeptical, she will second-guess herself, doubt herself and because she can’t see what and how you think, she will naturally assume you’re lying, or dishonest, or not all you’re cracked up to be (in her own mind) and any tiny error (which all humans make) or incongruence (real or imagined, through correct processing or erroneous one) she spots, will become for her a likely source of “proof” that you’re really an underhanded, greasy liar, merely intent on trapping her with an unwanted pregnancy. Or whatever. Which is fair enough if you are some kind of narcissistic psychopath, but is a real drag if you’re actually on the level.

5. He’s going to be exhausted of female drama and next a woman like he changes socks.

Assuming the man is not a nerd type high IQ, that is, he is high IQ AND he uses it to integrate himself sexually into the ape society regardless, he will have been through a pretty high number of women, because, absent the monkey features, and if he is impatient and smart, he probably can get together with most women that interest him and has. And in most cases he will find their shit-tests idiotic and unnecessary, their conversations borderline soporific, their interests pedestrian, and their inability to even follow his conversations when he discusses (in excruciatingly slow ways for him) even those things that interest him the drop that makes the glass overflow. So he can easily dismiss a woman that might have had the requisite attributes simply because he might not immediately take the time to work through whatever drama she might cause him (they all cause some) and it falls into a specialised version of the “unstated assumptions”. On the other hand, a woman that catches herself and honestly disassembles her own drama with logic and reason is certainly going to catch his attention. Unfortunately for him, some pretty women, are adept at doing this too as an art form of theatre, while hiding their real narcissistic core. Which is why even geniuses that have been around the block can and do end up married to vicious harridans intent on picking his carcass clean.

In Conclusion

So there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. I know that a post of this nature is a bit like complaining about how difficult your life as a billionaire is, but the pain is real!

My general advice, especially to smart men, is to not focus as much on the looks if you care to have a truly intellectually rewarding lifetime partnership with your wife. And to smart women, the same, really, and look, you can train a man to please you sexually, it’s a turn-off to do, I get it, but if you grit your teeth through it for as long as it takes to train his brain to do the things you want, and then a bit more to teach him to take the initiative too, after that, you can “forget” you did that and just let him be the sexual lead in bed again.

To both, patience is a virtue, and not just, as I always said, an excuse for the witless.

And if you’re as undeservedly lucky or blessed with divine grace as I have been, to end up married to a woman that fits both your criteria of beauty as well as brains, well, I sincerely hope this post helps you both navigate the storms, because the world certainly needs a lot more smart, beautiful, non-genetically modified humans to take it back from the demonic forces that have come to the fore lately. So get busy making babies and make sure you stay together through everything and anything, until, hopefully at a very advanced age, death do you part.

Tags: IQ, marriage, relationships, sigmas, Social Commentary

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